Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Address to Kickoff the Campaign to Re-Embarrass the President

2010 saw the rise, fall and second coming of the Richard Nixon propaganda machine. With the campaigners soaring on the high praise of the LeMons Supreme Court, the Nixonmobile took to a rainy track to win the hearts and minds of the LeMons electorate. For 75 strong minutes, the Ford Escort chugged on like champion, hanging with LeMons veterans and staying in the good graces of the LeMons gods.

Until Nixon blew a gasket. And the great Dick fell to earth, surrounded by a cloud of smoke, soot and shame. All appeared lost. But one brave member of the Nixon campaign threw caution to the wind and gave the propaganda machine new life: the heart of his sketchy daily driver. After the transplant was complete, Nixon made his triumphant return to the track. The rain cleared off, and Dick's Escort tricks were kept under wraps [though a few minutes are curiously missing from the official version of the events]. And while Nixon didn't earn top honors, he did not return home empty-handed.

2011 finds the Nixon machine running for re-election. This year's entry in the great race will no longer be preoccupied with the past and looking back (literally). Instead, he will be twice as efficient, trimmed at the waist (again, literally) and constantly looking forward (also literal) to the next challenge.

With the permission of the great and wise LeMons Supreme Court and the LeMons House of Citrus, Richard Nixon will return to Joliet to campaign in October 2011. Nixon stands for the common driver. For the cessation of hostilities when talent runs out. For the resolute and deserved punishment of cheaters of all makes and models. For a return to American-manufactured values. And for the righteous and eternal crushing of hippie skulls.

God Bless America's Crapcans.